Little Options, Low Selfesteem

So I got back from gaming, a pretty disheartening experience, to find my house in disoray and disaster once again. Now matter what fantasy world I submerce myself in I always end up surfacing in the fruit of my appathy. I appear wet and rasping for breath, as the cold air rushes to my lungs. Half freezing them, half reviving them, but never satisfying them. No, my tar blackend lungs cry out with shame at the site of my own filth, my trail laziness. Hmm, I guess this is what they call a cycle but it doesn't feel like a circle at all. It feels like a dead end, I am cornered by my own inactions and my inactions yet to come. I am too familiar with my paterns to deny what I am. I am a slacker. But I don't want to be one. I know I have work to do, and every second that I don't do it; the pile gets bigger and bigger. What's stoping me then? Sad thoughts from a happy sorce. Is self-examination and awarness a state of freedom, or just the recognization of the trap we creat? Yeah, I am so up lifting, and hears why.

On of my favorite movies was on tv when I got home, The New Guy, its a tale about a geek (or as the movie calls them a blip) who is fed up with being picked on. He gets himself expelled from his old school, goes to a prison to get training on "Going from bitch to bull", and finaly finds exceptance as a tough guy in his new school. But this doesn't sit well with the concious of our hero...he has become one of those who used to make his life hell. When he became the bull he couldn't control the bully, wow that's a streach. Any way, damn fine movie, lot of big name people in it, big name songs, and big titties. Lots of focus on the lead actress in a hankerchief for a t-shirt(nice). Now I ain't saying that sexual appeal doesn't have a place, hell the movie sold out in everyother concivable way. A teenager movie to beat them all. Though the question is, why the hell do I like it?

I like it becasue I don't have to think. Its repetes every highschool movie ever made, be an individual, stand up for the little guy, stand up to the bully, you will be excepted if you be yourself. Nice, a real feel good movie. This may surprise you but I was a really big geek in high school, and I even woried about what others thought of me. (I could go further, but I think my angsty writer muse may be drying up.) So these types of movies are refreshing...while there is still the movie. The problem with late night movies is they are on late at night, this means pleanty of comercials. And they are all soo chearful. Advertisments for acne creams, electric chairs, exercise machines with perfectly toned people flexing, diet supplmets with folks swearing up and down that this was the only product that worked for them. I am so thankful I have a full head of hair otherwise those 'hair restoration clinic' comecials would really get to me. And just when it is too much to bare and your about to must from a throbing head ache do to depresion, self judgment, and eye strain they have advertisments for pain relievers, thanks for rubbing it in...jerks!

So the original reason to watch the movie is now the one thing sustaining me. I want to be happy, I want the movie to make me feel happy and it will in between comercial breaks. So I patiently wait, feeling more depressed by the thirty second block designed to tell me how I am inadiquit and how I can fix myself, just to get to the movie so I feel better. One must have the grey clouds to appreciate the ray of golden light. Oh wait there was a comecrial on flood insurence too, chock up another to disheartend thoughts. So I feel worse then ever, though a bit better because I had to finish the movie, to keep going on I had to finish the movie. And now I look forward to a weekend of homework, housework and solitude. I know there are tons of people that will hang with me, and I appreciate that, but it still feels empty and I don't know why. It's like wining a game after cheating, it's a shallow victory full of regreat and what-if's. You never know if you where good enough, there are things that hint you were, but then there are things that hint you wern't. You feel ashamed because you did not go that extra step that extra mile to let them know where you where comming from or how you felt. There is an excitment in your heart and it beats faster when you think of it, but its only a thought. Only a thought and nothing more.

You must return to your life, your rutine that isn't complete. Stick with what you know and who you know, because you can't remember anything else, you refuse to remember anybody else. There are so many opptions, but you just don't know which ones to take. So you have friends, they watch your back and even tell you what to do from time-to-time. "She's todaly hitting on you dood!" Even with thier support I am inadiquet of finding motivation. Even when it is right in front of my face. How hard is it to read a name tag, how hard is it just to look? Is it degrading, invasive or just plan rude? What's in a name? As bill would say, I know I hate quoting that play, but it brings about my final point (and a refrence that I hope isn't lost on all)

Where is the encouragment, where are the heros, where are the Romio's to take a leaf from? Where have the white horses gone to, and why are we out of sunsets? Why we deny reality in its entirty rather then twentyfive minute blips? Where have all the cowboys gone and why is reality in our tv? Fantasy Island is gone forever, only to leave space for The Real World. Why can't I string two thoughts togeather and is anyone going to read this, really?

Disclaimer

I hate following rules I don't like, like for instance the points system. It may work for people, but not for me. When I said, "yeah, I don't think I wil contract for any points. I think its assinine. My roommate folded her arms and said, "then you don't need to be taking the
class." It agrovated me to no end, and this is why. It should be apparent that I want to get as many points as posible, I want to get the best f*cking grade ever! I want to recieve such a good grade that the prof says, "hey, I don't beleive I even have criterion for how well this guy did." And yeah, I'm bitching about the assingment, but I can do that, this is my ranting blog.
That is also the reason why I didn't summit this blog for the class. It didn't have a nice happy tone that was encouraging to other students. I don't want to scare them away or force them to listen to my ranting, but guess what? You all get to hear it anyway, lucky you!! The question you should be asking is: "Why did he link here just to complain about the assingment and cut short hard working profs?" You see I had to explain a little something. "Explain what," you may ask and I shall tell you.

I can't get into the level of critical analysis needed to meet the requirment for this assignment. To continue with the tone and purpose of my pirate blog I have to talk like a pirate. In doing so I must engage in roleplaying to most extream extent. The reason I need to follow such extrodinary measures is to (a) suspend disblief: to get the reader to, not necesarily think that
I am an actual pirate,however view it as a submersed reality. This should allow the reader to (b) have a damn good time and know whenever they visit what they are getting themselves into. Finally, (c) to do something different, something that I have never seen before. To
experenment with a different tone, and in doing so see how said tone can chage the blog (or story) at the fundimental level.

Wow, that was a mouth full. Sorry about your eyes, but wait it gets better. Now I can't comment, as I have stated above, like I would in real life. I can make refrences that force you to make inferences. I can build parales, like the Blue Admiral being the Keg down town,
or the Eastern Tavern is actually the Northern Inn, that's a streach. Stroies may have some shread of proof, be based off of stories I've heard or be compleatly made up.

So I can't say, "Jess really sounds intune when she talks about Loralee. She seems to find real importance in not youth but the understanding of a youthful deminor. I may be going further then she intended, but that's what spoke to me. And as I get older I find I remember less and less. The good the bad, all shrowded by represion, confution, or alcohol
abuse. So I guess I can agree with Jess when she says that blogging may be a tool to help prevent. Which is why I agree that the blog is probably in jurnal format." Instead I am forced to say something like; "Gyarr, Miss Hodgson make an intreaging point indeed, but all the
foolish. I don't know what this Loralee is talking about Looney tunes, apparently it be some kind of metaphore. You konw what I say, What's a meta for? Fer plunderen' a corse, gyarr." And so on.

Granted my restirction is self imposed. I strated this to vent some anger but ended up spending about three hours on it. So I am a bit lost on where I was going. I could find again, but I have to get to the actual assignment, woot! And no, I don't expect you to have read this whole damn thing. I don't expect you to care. But at least understand where I am comming from when I
say this assignment pisses me off. It means to go the extra mile I need to go two. And yes the deadline is ticking away. I might be late, I might offend a few folks and even sware at Morgan at bit. I ain't here to be political, I am here to do the best f*cking job I can.

Got it?

A Better Blogging Experience

To support my new blog, http://gyarr.blogspot.com I am required to spend less time on this one. Though I think I might be making more posts on this particular blog because it allows me to express who I am, to a certain degree, rather then who a pirate is.. Though I think the pirate might be more fun. I am rather uncertain of this right now, however, I do know that I am still getting the same complaints as I have always recieved with this blog. *) Post more often *) have more links *) Check your spelling *) Rename my link *) More contant less filler *) for God sakes, use a spell checker! etc.

I have just one thing to say to all you nay-sayers. Thank you for visiting my site :)

Something In the Water

So it appears that the city of Bemidji, my town and frozen haven, has now joined the world wide web. Yes they are up to date and are ready to spread good cheer over the information super highway. Yes, ladies and gentlemen bemidji has a blog! http://bemidjiblog.bolgspot.com Don't get me wrong I think its great and funny and all, I am just worried that I am going to be assigned to leave a comment. Other then Moe rules!! Anyway, it seems a bit wierd that with the funding and myriad out of work comp majors why should they have a blog? No offense to the blogging comunity, to which I have been apart of for some time. It just seems to me that a city should have something more. Oh, how I despise the LEDS!!! Not because of their work of course but because of their reputation. I don't feel that in a city like bemidji we need anyone to be pulling stings. I know that where there is power there will always be those that scroung for it. Yet, it seems a bit too much. oh well.

There is a plethora of new bloggers too, I am so excited. All these folks from my class going on the net saying important things, don't they know that the more content they write and the more effort the invest the more I will have to commit to keep up! Damn the overachivers why can't the world be slackers like me? Well I don't think anything would get done, but honestly it is like a third lit corse, which is something I don't really need right now. Not that my schedual is too demanding, one might say quite lax, yet its a lot of work for a dirty slacker like me. And unless there are going to be random comments about henti I don't think I will visit all too many, or will I *evil laugh* but the pirate blog is comming along nicly. http://gyarr.blogspot.com

I am going to consult my massuse/photogripher/GM about getting some pics of me and my...mess... or whatever to post. That would be better anyway, and there are always those old pics of Angel in the nun's frock and fishnets, now where did I put those? (scrounges for pics) I guess I will find them. Take care all and try not to move too fast, for my sake.

Whiskey Dreams

So I am away from my computer and dictionary, sorry to say Sean, while enjoying the hospitality of jeremiah. It is an interesting experience being away from the flow of my room, and key board that dosn't stick, ( do I want to know what he was doing with this thing?) Any way, I digress from my original perpose for writing this.

A well of new sensations wash over as I sit back smoking staring into the red lights of the stage as Jermey jams away on his bag pipes. maybe jams isn't the most appropriate word but it feels like it. There is a deffinent lift in the room as emotions ride high. People are feeling rejuvinated and upliffted (becasue I can't spell I repeat damn me) after the depressing beat poem singer before. I am torn between asking me reluctant freinds to dance or random drunk girls. I know my friends will say no, but wont think it weird of me. Where as I would be rejected by the random drunk girls now dancing with eachother and I can only ask why didn't I ask the girl in the corner? Is it because she and I share a class and had shared an akwierd conversation? I say akwierd because it would be just that wierd. I think she knows I have a fancy for her, but nothing stocker-esc. Is it ok to say that, or does there very act of questioning your motives and techniques make you that what you fear; a preditor of the night? Not that I am ever sucsessful or will ever be, yet I know how frightened women can be of the not so honerable advaces of men. Not that I wish to engage in anything of that line, but I have to becase the very act of questioning the actions towards the girl necesitates a "jones" if you will.

My uncle, or mine nuncle, asked me over break weither i have a girlfriend or not and I responded I am between relationships and looking for the right girl. First, I think we are all looking for that right somebody and the somebody we think is right, isn't. The somebody that is right there we think isn't might be, or be the worst mistake ever. And the somebody right now is a whole nother ball of wax I don't even want to get into. Secondly, inbetween sounds polite for saying, "no I am a looser and havn't had a date in over a year!" which is the truth and isn't so bad because I really loved that girl and still care for her greatly even though I know a relationship between the two of us wouldn't work out, and that I didn't pay enough attention to what i had. But, that is my vise, or one of a list, that I do not pay attention to what I have and focus on things that are unimportant or less important. My High School Econ. teacher (a great man though I can't remember his name [purty much a composting between Buch and Ley]) once asked why I was with the girl I was flurting feriously at the time. We wern't doing anything else because I was too chicken shit. I responded to him, "because I am lonly." and he said, "Son, you have your whole life to be lonly." I should have said because I like and want to get into her pants, which was the truth. Though I was a bit inocent at the time. Any way....

As I sat at the Northern listening to my friend pebroke away i realized, hell I need to plan something so hear it is.

Friday, Jan 13. Keg and Cork much drinking to a sucsessful three days back, and three days doing homework woot!! Please come if you can I don't want to drink alone and Angel gave me permition to go out.

Sunday, Jan. 15. Nick is running an IK campain and I am a little bit concerned about how it will turn out but i am optomistic about it.

Monday Jan. 16. Day. Hans is going to run a shadowrun sci-fi adventure, in d6. it should be a blast as he says he has lots of Ideas. I don't know where it will be yet, but I am hoping either my place or Han's dorm, yeah smoking. Non smokers don't realize that a place to smoke inside is a big deal, especially where there are other smokers about so we don't feel guilty about lighting up. You may think we have no morals but we do, we don't like to smoke infront or promote smoking infron of children. We don't want to blow smoke in your face, and we don't want to be rude, or scatter butts all over the place. I being a pipe smoker can easly adapt this one, woot! We just want to smoke with out getting the, it will kill you, you and your loved ones.
First off, yes it will kill me, they have been saying so since middle school health, no I don't think I look cool, yes there are a lot of girls that will not date me because I smoke and it is expencive yes I get it. Second, I don't plan to smoke infront my loved ones or yours unless they are already smokeing (this should rule out your children, but it dosn't. that's not my fault by the way, if you stoped bringing them to the gas station buying smokes and latto tickets and then saying no, you can't have 99 cent candy when smokes are $4 a pack. Damn parents! Love don't smother, ignore or beat. A good ass kicking yeah cause that says I love you johny!! Chances are if you are concered if you are a good parent and your kids are making the right choices, they are. Chances are if your a pious Christen and are of the opinion I raided them right, they wont do anything wrong because of God you need to be Bitch slapped. I am sorry about the language but that's the way i feel. Yet I digress again.

Monday night. Hopfully Muppet show marithon at my place, I have to check it with my roomates. thought it will be a BYOB pot luck, which has both the sweedish and irish in me very excited indeed. Not that sweeds drink but we like pot lucks.

That's the plan, I will update if anything comes up, questions or comments let me know.