Children of Conte

So here I am agian, at the end of my rope and at the end of my leisure. I have been self-blined from the needs of reality and subsistence. I have dived in to the mists and visions I create for self-placation only to find that I have gained no truth nor noteworthy experience. I have not come out ahead in any streach of the imagination. I must reimerge from these friged waters only to find that I am drowning with little hope in sight. This is my doing from not from undoing but lack of effort that could easily have been. Why do I not learn from my mistakes, what drives away my hopes and dreams? Is the thread I hang upon is so tenuous and my will so fickle that at sign of first fault I retreat? I know I can not run for ever and I do not wish to. I have seen what lethargy does firsthand and I do not like it.

My father always said, "pick your friends with great care," or something of the sorts. "For you shall adapt to their customs as they yours." And istn't it true? Do not smokers, elitists, slakers and nerds bond with their own? Do they not share practices, beliefs and habits? Frightening as my father's advice is, "always pick a group that will lift you up, rather then drag you down," he is correct and I have been aware of this for sometime. Even though days, months, and years go by this doesn't seem to sink in. "The real world doesn't care if you are a writer, basket-weaver or even a poet. You won't be able to support your self off of bullshit, let alone a family!"

A family, this thought creeps into my head when I am not worring about finances or have my head shoved up my ass. (please forgive the language if offended) How am I to support a family with lack of regaurd? I don't know. I know it is a bit soon to feel such a threat and that a family would inevitably come far down the road. But I tell myself, (and my father to his great annoyence) that I will not have one. You see I justify my laziness by omitting things from my life before I could ever truely have them.

Again I am running, trying to maintain my current disfunction. Pacifying my existance without ever changing. Though we cannot never change. (yes a double negative, I went there!) We are always in motion and I just wish I could understand that. The scary thing is, from time to time I do. There are times when I remember the truth. And the truth can be a scary thing indeed. There are times when I even feel congnizant, though few, and want to make amends. However I only do this when I recieve a jolt from the real world, a friend or family member's nagging, or if I am paniced, as I am now. I usualy try to make written record of my revalations, hopeing that I can make some progress towards normalcy. Yet it never seems to happen.

I always return to my previous state. I was warn of suspention, suspended, almost died of dehydration, verbaly beat by my parents, actually beat by my parents, threatend, yelled at by my family and friends, encuraged by my family and friends. I have been given more chances than anyone deserves and I have let everyone down time and time agian. I don't know why, or maybe I do but wont admit it. Maybe I know what has been keeping me imprisoned with in myself. Listen to me, ramble on, like I am some sort of victum made incapable of change. I'm not, or at least I shouldn't be. I am just another white suburbanite complaining about how tough I've had it. I might as well say, "I'm hard man, I'm from the streets!' It would sound just as assinine.

I keep thinking that maybe there is no easy change. Maybe nobody really knows what the hell to do or why the hell to do it. They only know what their told and what they need to do to servive. "I can't make you care." That is a favorite expression of my father's and he's right, he can't. I don't know why I don't have a selfprecerving bone in my body or why I don't try. Is it because I feel I will fail anyway? No, I think it might be the struggle. The daily struggle that most folks seem to understand all to well. "Well I guess sense I didn't do that one thing, so I will put this other stuff off until I get it done." I never finish that first damn thing and have a whole back list of shit that I didn't get done. I put one thing off and then the next, bury myself and for what? Just one more minute of happiness before I return to reality. Before long reality slaps me in the face and I am back to square one.

They tell me I will learn my lesson when I have to, when I am out of options and it is too late. But I don't want to learn then, I want to learn now. I need to learn now, I need to know what to do. And I konw we all have these concerns, we all have things in our lifes that suck. We all have financial problems, and everbody deals with the same shit. Yet they get through it, they know the importance of getting through it. They may think it sucks and there is no way out but they bucle down and do what needs to get done.

Maybe because I grew up in a household without want I didn't learn that leason. I know for a fact there are millions if not billions of Americans who are in my pasition. Otherwise they wouldn't have "Solve debt problems now," and "get your high school diploma or degree just three days a week!" It's sickening that I might end up like that, that I did end up like that. I don't want to be in the position, but I am and worse if I don't get my act together. So what is stoping me?

Well its like quiting smoking. It didn't work in the past so why try now? What do I have this time around to motivate me? How do I know I will sucseed now where I have failed so many times before?

Also the problem is I am a lier, a bullshiter. I can make up excuses, yarns, and exaggerations like nobody's business. I tell people yeah, everything is fine, I'm doing just fine, everything is going so well, I might be doing worse then I like, but I'm getting it done. God I hate it. I hate lying. I don't recall person I have ever been completly truthful to, not one. It has alays been half-truth or an out right lie and I am fucking tierd of it. It never ends see, never. And even if you tell the truth later you still lied, so its still ok to lie as long as you mean well, but that is how you got into the problem in the first place. Damn!

It is so exausting to have a face all the time, a part of yourself you can not share. I think I know how those folks that are in the closet feel. Traped in a weave that they can't get out of, afraid of what people will do when they find out. But unlike them I am actually in the wrong. Its not like deciving people your whole life is just socialy unacceptable and can be solved by moving further north. No, its wrong, and I know it wrong. Not because the bible or ever major reliegion the world over says it is, but because of the values that my parents have intrusted in me. Like the values your parents have intrust in you. Like be resposible with your money, don't drink in excess, make sound decisions and always use a cupon. Things that we pass on and pass of as the wisdom of age. That anyone of a certain age should know these set things. They reinforce them everywhere in the public and private sphere. Yet there are people that can not, for the life of them, grasp the concept that is slapping them in the face.

Why? Is this a natural thing that all people go through or am I part of some week willed colective that has consumed to much florinated water and feel I have no choice but to act against it? Is it angsiaty (I give up on that one), appathy, a combination. Can I cure it, can I take a pill or a drug to be normal? Is there an over-the-counter off brand that will make me care again? I did once and I don't know how to get it back. I just want solvancy. I want to want, but I try and I give up. I put things off and I piss me off to no end. I don't know even where to start from now or even know why I would bother. I would just fail again right, all things being the same as before, notihing will stick..

I do have one thing though, work, I love to work. I love to go to a job, clock in and work for eight hours strait. Why, because I am doing something usesful with my time and am almost normal. When I have a job I show up, work is black and white to me. But everything else is fucking grey!

How do I make the grey things black and white?

There is a archetype of movie or story that I really like. The College story. There is a young freshman (I'm not beening sexist, the protaganist is always a dood) and a senior or super-senior what have you. The frosh or pre-frosh is always to 'uptight' and the senior is to relaxed. But by the end of the story both learn from eachother. The frosh gains confidence in himself, and the senior regains initative. They make it look so easy.

But in the end where did this get me, no where. No one is going to read this and even if they do it will be a short skim and a comment about how poorly spelled and written it was. Yes, it is long, yes I am sorry, no I don't expect to have any readers after this and no, I don't know why I just ditched this train of thought. Probably because I thought I could remember it, or have people remember it for me. See I have a bad memory, but I wont get into that.

I just wanted to have a happy Christmas and show my family and friend that I gave a shit, oh well.